fallin' to pieces

Although we've planed to go out tonight,
I didn't got any phone calls this morning.

so,

I called him. I mean Mike.
and, he called me back in the afternoon.

He said he was still feelin' bad,
In addition to this, he said,

"Sorry, so I don't feel like going out today.
.....No, I should rather say I CAN NOT go. "

then,

"I'm so sorry. you know, I really wanna see you."

At this moment,
I felt that something's broken.
My mind, was fallin' to pieces.

"Hey Mike,"
I said
"I think we can't keep this relationships."

"......What the hell you talkin' about?! "
He was surprised, and he also laughed.
"Come on, Eiko! Stand! stand, please!
I'll be better soon. Just for a little while."

but I couldn't control myself,
and I complained about many things as I was crying.

"Cuz everything will be canceled all the time.
you know, whenever we made any promises."

I know there was no way to slove that cancellings,
but anyway I wanted to see him.
What I wanted to do, is just to see him, but actually I couldn't.
Though we promised.

Maybe I'm selfish,
but now I need someone who can meet my needs.

I almost lost my temper then.

"I want you to make a little time for me,
but I also want you to do your job hard."

It's a kind of paradox but it's undoubtedly true.

He got serious sometimes, but almost laughed.
He seemed not to believe that what I was saying was not serious and briefly thing.

"Don't take it so hard, Eiko."
He added so.

"I can make a lot of time for you. Believe me!"

and I replied,

"But you know, "I", will be so busy from next week cuz I have to do some works,"

"....Ok, even if you'll be busy, I can see you late in the night.
you know what, we can meet at somewhere, as usual, right?"

We talked in circles,

He said that he would call me again tonight, so we hanged up the phone.

so,

All in all, the date was canceled again.
I wanted to see fireworks around Sumida river from the cruiser...


but anyway,

I don't wanna cry any more.
I'm fed up with standing...

I've not dicided what will I do next,
but now I think I'm gonna end up with breaking up.

Now,

"Oceans 11" is playing on the TV,
and in the movie, there's a great line what Julia Roberts describes her husband to her ex husband.

"He doesn't make me cry."

you know, I really wanna find a kind of the guy"he" that Julia means.
And I can understand her feeling well.

But I also can understand her feeling to Joerge( her ex husband )...
His smile reminds me his one.
I mean, John's.

...Give me a break!!!! lol