it's my diary what's written in English. i write everything 'bout me, espesially my thoughts, love, arts, and music. i also show you my photos, drawings, some essays that i wrote, or something. don't hesitate to visit me and to leave your comments. welcome! ;*)

Thursday, April 26, 2007


needless to say, there were too many good/bad things happened in these few months. one after another I got n changed my bf, but I finally decided how I will do or who I will be. I mean, I made up my mind to be his secret. strictly speaking, of course I was and already I am. but now it's the first time to think each other serious I think, and this is also the first time that I swear to him that I will keep this relationship as a long term one. to tell the truth now I also have one guy who always support me and he might be my new bf in the future. but he needs much more time to think and see the situation to get over about his breakup, but I know I can't wait for so long for him. I know this so I decided about my secret stuffs. actually I was trying to give up about him and I thought I could if the guy friend's beside me but in fact it's not. anyways now I'm waiting for his replying. of course I'm a bit afraid of it but anyway I must keep it goin on. I believe I can do n he can do, and I wish our good luck in our future.

Monday, January 15, 2007

these days

happy new year, how you doing guys? I've been doing good, sometimes bad thigs happen around me, but that's OK.
well, I had been going back to my home from the end of last year to 10th, and I came back here in Tokyo now.
It was really good vacation for me, I could be relaxed, earned some pocket money, ate delicious food you know.
besides, I didn't need to worry about every meals because mom always made them for us, you're so kind and good shef, mom!
and, the happiest thing was that I could keep in touch with my 3 men, and also that I recieved some emails from az. I was sooooooooooo glad about that you know, maybe you can't understand how big surprise it was, can you?
az said that he hopes this year is a happy one for me, and he's sure it will be. All my dreams are waiting for me so I can go and catch them all. he believe that I will never lose of my try... amazing! don't you think? :*)
it was a happening on 10th, and I went back to Tokyo at the night, went Ginza to see new PCs, and after that, I went to drink alone - to crowforest. but unfortunately, there were nobody else who I know in the bar at the moment I went there so that night became a not so good one for me. but next day, I went to Shimbashi again with my friend Yasuko to visit one of the temples in Atago. Atago Green Hills and a big bell in the temple reminds me the past sweet summer night, but I was not so sad, just enjoyed everything. then I went to crow again to have a drink with her, oh I forgot to write I went to Ueshima Coffee Shop,too - a memorial place which I went sometimes when I was reseaching for my assignment. I had the same one as usual and enjoy talking. In crow, I met and chat with Yonji who do a part time job there. we've known each other for a long time and we talked about some things. when I checked my face in front of the mirror between reat rooms, he spoke to me and said, "Are you gonna date with someone else?" as he smiling. and I said YES and I told about my latest news. I was a bit sorry for him coz I didn't go there with my friend who he likes, but we talked happily and I could spend a great time there. after that, I went to Ropp to meet up with my unfamilier friend J. I was a bit afraid to go 'cause we've never seen before and it was the first time for us to meet. he is nice as I heard from Tonny, and actually he was nice. and today I'm gonna meet him again. I also met Steve last Tue and met Sam last Sat then we had a great time. Sam came up to my place just only for see me, he's absolutely kind. besides, Tuesday night was also incredibly great one for us and we could talk a lot. Steve reminded me about John and I sometimes felt melancholic.
it's a bit hard for me to write everything down here so I'll stop, but anyway I've been spending great time these days.

18th Jan, 07 e*** on the seat next to my sweet friend,chiho

Sunday, December 17, 2006

result of last friday night

all in all, I could come back here safely.
actually, he didn't come up to the bar at the night.

when I arrived there, it was 9pm.
I got a short call from him last night so I suspected he might not come,
but I would love to see him and I went there.

maybe it was too late time for him
or he didn't come because our meeting was uncovered again by somebody behind him,
and he left there quickly to protect me from black men - the guys in his wife's side.

I really don't know what was happening,
and I guess we shouldn't meet up at the moment maybe.

but my feeling, you know, it was smashed apart,

I've already known that I should not do that because of the danger.
that is not a joke, and real danger, I know the fact.
and I also know that he's also the man who's belong to that dirty society.

I wish I could forget everything that I had experiences with him before.
I might be able to give up about everything if I didn't have any sweet memories with him.
but, in fact I have, not only one but also many things, includes some emails.

what I should do, is not to see him any more.
what I wanna do, is to see him again as soon as possible...

I could enjoy the night very much because I could see Syl & her friends
then I could spent a great time together.

Syl tried to cheer me up and I was impressed by her behavior all the time.
she is my real friend.
I spent all over the night together with her and I slept over that night in her room.

it was great but sad night,
and I miss him...

Friday, December 15, 2006


now I'm still wondering whether I should do or not though I've already made up my mind.
the reason of that, is about HIM - my secret lover.

last friday, I went to the bar as usual with my pretty friend Chiho.
at the time I could see Syl there and I heard that he came to the bar on last wednesday to see me, and had been waiting me all the night. I was shocked and felt sorry for him because maybe I misunderstood what he said on the phone and made him dissapointed.

and I noticed that I wanted to see him real bad,
from the bottom of my heart.

then, last wednesday, he tried to call me again and left a message in my phone.

I know, that I and we should not meet up anymore. seeing him again is undoubtedly a real dangerous game.
but I also know, that we have been longing for coming the day we can meet again though we know that we should not to do that of course.

anyway, I decided to go to the bar and meet up with him today so I can't escape anymore.
I made up my mind because I don't wanna regret about it.
that's why I could decide. I decided just only for that.

I'm afraid but I hope to make it and have a great night together with him.
is it a selfish hope?
am I seeing a sweet dream?
shold I wake up from the dream?

I'm still wondering but I wanna see him that's a really truth.
what should I do...?
someone pls let me give the right answer I should choose.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

amazing girl

look @ her singing! her voice is incredibly perfect and sooo strong. it's really beautiful.
you will be surprised and almost shocked by her song undoubtedly.

I wanted to be talented, and to be born a girl who has such a great voice..

check it y'all *

Thursday, November 23, 2006


last monday,
everything was going well and there was nothing else bothers me,
but in the end of that day.. it changed.

at the day I have to took a lecture by Eiko Tanaka, who is the president of a company named Studio 4 degrees
and when I was taking the class, inside of my head started aching. and it got worse and worse.

after finishing that lecture, my phone rang.
so I checked, and it was from withheld number but it rang for so long.

I felt somethin strange and I expected one possibility,
but I never could believe that so I tried not to believe my expectation.

but, my phone began to ring again when I was waiting for the bus' coming and I felt an anxiety.
I started wondering but I couldn't answer it cuz I was so scared to responce to it.
besides, a girl next to me spoke to me so we talked together though I was sick, and I forgot about the call for a while.

when I laid down on my bed as soon as I arrived at my room,
suddenly my phone started to call me again. it was 4th time to ring so I was sure that it was from him.

it was absolutely unbelievable happening for me but I answered it.

"hey, wussup?"
the voice said.

"who are you?"
I knew it was his voice, but I said so
cuz I couldn't believe that he gave a call to me still then.

he laughed happily, and told me his name.
I was afraid whether our conversation was stolen by his back side men includes his wife or not
but anyways I was glad that I could hear his voice and saw his smile through the line.

he said that Jayce made it to hand over my notes to him
and wants to give my money back so he will try to meet up at somewhere safe.

but where is the place somewhere safe?

so I said to him,
"..but if we try to meet, at where? you know, it's really dangerous for us to meet up in anywhere in Tokyo, right?"
and also,
"you know what, I was sooo scared when I recieved emails from her!"

" Tokyo....yeah."
he said and in addition,
"I'm sorry about that.. the email, sorry I couldn't check the mails then.."

at the end of the call he addicted,
"I will call you again on Wednesday, OK?"

I didn't believe that he would give me a call as he promised(and actually I couldn't get any calls from him yesterday,)
but I said OK, and hang up the phone call, from the bar in somewhere, where's filled with jazz music.

while I was talking wit him, I almost forgot my headache but I noticed that I had a headache after that,
and I had a pill, took off my contact lense, made my face off, and I went to bed again and went into my dreams.

now I wondering as usual, if I should not meet up with him, or I should see him for our satisfaction..

I've already known that it is undoubtedly dangerous for us, espesially for me, to meet up
so I should ask him to deposit my money to someone who we both know such as jayce again, Syl, or his friend Mike.
and I will take my money from him through one of them.

but needless to say, I'd looove to see him and take it from him directly.
and maybe, meeting will not end without doing SOMTHING .. lol
and it get more dangerous than just to meet up for about the money.

how do you think, az?

anyways I'm still waiting for your calling back, darling.

Monday, November 06, 2006

happenings in October (2/2)

now it's already November but I actually remember well about that happenings in October,
so I'm gonna write it down here not to forget them. I think I should write an essay about myself or my memories someday..

then, as you think I can tell everything about what was happening at that night directly but I try to write some pieces of them.
in short, we did something in the bath room after talking just a little bit. of course we disgusted some customers & staffs and I was really sorry for that still now, but in fact we couldn't stop our feelings to each other and we could enjoy maybe... lol you did right, Az? as for me I did...♥
then we noticed that it was really difficult to get out from WC together, so I pretended as if I were feeling bad and Az pretended as if he were taking care of me.. one of the staff guys brought me a glass of water and I had it as I was appologizing( from the bottom of my heart ). some people worried about me but some of them who might realized what we did there got mad so Az tried to soothe the yelling drunker... it was the most incredible ( in two meanings) night for my life I guess.

we left the bar separately so I forgot to ask him to refund my money back and I sent an email to him on the next day.

after a few days later from that big happening, I got an email from Az.
I thought it was from Az himself and tried to tell me his schedule or when is good for him to meet up with me,
but when I saw the subject of it, I actually freezed.
because the subject was, "who are you?" .......................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was from his wife, who's the daughter of mafia family and she tried to threaten me to kill or hurt...
she wrote so many things about him, about her, about his family, or that kind of dangerous society, what she'll do if I try to keep in touch anymore. I was really shocked and also scared. so I run to where Shizuka was, told about & show the mail from her, heard some advices, and calmed down my heart beat.

in the mail she said that "I know he doesn't love me," and it was the only aid for me.

on 23rd, my birthday, I went to the bar to meet up with my best friend Shino and Mr.Yoshinaga or his friend.
it's been a long time to go there and it was not week ends so I didn't pay much attention to go there to drink.
when I arrived there maybe it was around 7 or 8 pm on Monday evening, I found a black guy near the counter and I surely noticed that he was him! he was talkng with some foreigners look like some business men and he was deeply absorbed in talkng. I was sooooo surprised but what I most surprised was that there were a man and a woman in front of him, the guy was the man who Az told me that he's one of the men in that society, and as for the woman.... I was inspired by something that she might his wife....!!! suddenly I got scared but I tried to hand over a note what I wrote to him in a few second, to Jayce in secrets, then left the bar quickly.

according to Jayce he made it to hand over the notes to Az in secrets, but he said that he didn't know the circumstance around us so now I'm still wondering whether he handed over in front of only himself or him and his wife.... I actually still don't know that.

but nothing was happening recently around me so maybe he succeeded in handing over that I surpose.

now to be honest I'm almost sick. but I understood that I should not (rather say MUST not) hope anymore.
ooohhh god terrible!

please give me some good lucks to me, I don't care even it's just a little one..
but I wanna use my luck to my application for going abroad to NY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hope that I'll make it, please pray for me!