dilemma

last monday,
everything was going well and there was nothing else bothers me,
but in the end of that day.. it changed.

at the day I have to took a lecture by Eiko Tanaka, who is the president of a company named Studio 4 degrees
and when I was taking the class, inside of my head started aching. and it got worse and worse.

after finishing that lecture, my phone rang.
so I checked, and it was from withheld number but it rang for so long.

I felt somethin strange and I expected one possibility,
but I never could believe that so I tried not to believe my expectation.

but, my phone began to ring again when I was waiting for the bus' coming and I felt an anxiety.
I started wondering but I couldn't answer it cuz I was so scared to responce to it.
besides, a girl next to me spoke to me so we talked together though I was sick, and I forgot about the call for a while.

when I laid down on my bed as soon as I arrived at my room,
suddenly my phone started to call me again. it was 4th time to ring so I was sure that it was from him.

it was absolutely unbelievable happening for me but I answered it.

"hey, wussup?"
the voice said.

"who are you?"
I knew it was his voice, but I said so
cuz I couldn't believe that he gave a call to me still then.

he laughed happily, and told me his name.
I was afraid whether our conversation was stolen by his back side men includes his wife or not
but anyways I was glad that I could hear his voice and saw his smile through the line.

he said that Jayce made it to hand over my notes to him
and wants to give my money back so he will try to meet up at somewhere safe.

but where is the place somewhere safe?

so I said to him,
"..but if we try to meet, at where? you know, it's really dangerous for us to meet up in anywhere in Tokyo, right?"
and also,
"you know what, I was sooo scared when I recieved emails from her!"

"yeh...in Tokyo....yeah."
he said and in addition,
"I'm sorry about that.. the email, sorry I couldn't check the mails then.."

at the end of the call he addicted,
"I will call you again on Wednesday, OK?"

I didn't believe that he would give me a call as he promised(and actually I couldn't get any calls from him yesterday,)
but I said OK, and hang up the phone call, from the bar in somewhere, where's filled with jazz music.

while I was talking wit him, I almost forgot my headache but I noticed that I had a headache after that,
and I had a pill, took off my contact lense, made my face off, and I went to bed again and went into my dreams.



now I wondering as usual, if I should not meet up with him, or I should see him for our satisfaction..

I've already known that it is undoubtedly dangerous for us, espesially for me, to meet up
so I should ask him to deposit my money to someone who we both know such as jayce again, Syl, or his friend Mike.
and I will take my money from him through one of them.

but needless to say, I'd looove to see him and take it from him directly.
and maybe, meeting will not end without doing SOMTHING .. lol
and it get more dangerous than just to meet up for about the money.

how do you think, az?

anyways I'm still waiting for your calling back, darling.

happenings in October (2/2)

now it's already November but I actually remember well about that happenings in October,
so I'm gonna write it down here not to forget them. I think I should write an essay about myself or my memories someday..

then, as you think I can tell everything about what was happening at that night directly but I try to write some pieces of them.
in short, we did something in the bath room after talking just a little bit. of course we disgusted some customers & staffs and I was really sorry for that still now, but in fact we couldn't stop our feelings to each other and we could enjoy maybe... lol you did right, Az? as for me I did...♥
then we noticed that it was really difficult to get out from WC together, so I pretended as if I were feeling bad and Az pretended as if he were taking care of me.. one of the staff guys brought me a glass of water and I had it as I was appologizing( from the bottom of my heart ). some people worried about me but some of them who might realized what we did there got mad so Az tried to soothe the yelling drunker... it was the most incredible ( in two meanings) night for my life I guess.

we left the bar separately so I forgot to ask him to refund my money back and I sent an email to him on the next day.

after a few days later from that big happening, I got an email from Az.
I thought it was from Az himself and tried to tell me his schedule or when is good for him to meet up with me,
but when I saw the subject of it, I actually freezed.
because the subject was, "who are you?" .......................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was from his wife, who's the daughter of mafia family and she tried to threaten me to kill or hurt...
she wrote so many things about him, about her, about his family, or that kind of dangerous society, what she'll do if I try to keep in touch anymore. I was really shocked and also scared. so I run to where Shizuka was, told about & show the mail from her, heard some advices, and calmed down my heart beat.

in the mail she said that "I know he doesn't love me," and it was the only aid for me.

on 23rd, my birthday, I went to the bar to meet up with my best friend Shino and Mr.Yoshinaga or his friend.
it's been a long time to go there and it was not week ends so I didn't pay much attention to go there to drink.
when I arrived there maybe it was around 7 or 8 pm on Monday evening, I found a black guy near the counter and I surely noticed that he was him! he was talkng with some foreigners look like some business men and he was deeply absorbed in talkng. I was sooooo surprised but what I most surprised was that there were a man and a woman in front of him, the guy was the man who Az told me that he's one of the men in that society, and as for the woman.... I was inspired by something that she might his wife....!!! suddenly I got scared but I tried to hand over a note what I wrote to him in a few second, to Jayce in secrets, then left the bar quickly.

according to Jayce he made it to hand over the notes to Az in secrets, but he said that he didn't know the circumstance around us so now I'm still wondering whether he handed over in front of only himself or him and his wife.... I actually still don't know that.

but nothing was happening recently around me so maybe he succeeded in handing over that I surpose.

now to be honest I'm almost sick. but I understood that I should not (rather say MUST not) hope anymore.
ooohhh god terrible!

please give me some good lucks to me, I don't care even it's just a little one..
but I wanna use my luck to my application for going abroad to NY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hope that I'll make it, please pray for me!