sad frustration

Now I think, our encounter was fateful one, but it`s undoubtedly true that our relations won`t last is a doom.
I`ve already knew it. I understood it from the start. Though I knew it, but I decided to keep our relationships.
In fact now I`m in a deep confusion coz I think there`s no way to solve this complicated problem...

What I`m talkin` bout, is a connection between Az and me.

Last night, strictly speaking early in this morning, maybe around 3am, I talked wit Michael on the phone.
It`s been a while to talk with him, but we talked naturally as if there was nothing else between us.
In spite of the situation that he was little drunk and I was so sleepy, we could talk seriously.

In our talking, suddenly he said a strange thing.
He said that he went to Roppongi wit Jayce, Az, and his WIFE...

You know I was so surprised, and of course shocked.
The reason why I was become such a condition, was not because that he was with another girl
but because he`d already married wit the girl.

Maybe I`ve never written about the girl on this, but I`ve already known the existence of the girl coz he taught me `bout her, his family structure, his sad fate, everything `bout his secrets before. so I knew but I thought the marriage will be done in the further future. However, it had already done without telling me.

After the call, I typed an email to him and I sent it as I hope that it`s not truth.

But unfortunately, it`s truth.
and I was shocked again.

He said that it happened a few days ago, and as I suspect, he had no choice and had to do it whatever happened.
so he insisted that he didn`t lie to me.
He also said, so he has to accept this sad fate and decided to give up his own freedom.
Of course I don`t want him to do that, but maybe his fate, is, accept, or be killed I surpose.

He`s still not sure what he should do and he`s also in confusion like me, maybe.

Now he seems to wonder if he`ll choose the "double life" what he said to me before or not,
but it means he`ll keep our concern for so long as a extramarital relations.

Probably it`s not good choice to keep this anyway, I think so, but I don`t wanna break up our connection.

Why there's some people who has to stand such a unreasonable circumstance and accept such a hoolish tradition something or such a crazy sad destiny? I really don`t know why.

I`m sooo frastrated against his fuckin` crazy daddy.

anyway, both he and me still can`t find the best way to solve this big problem..



He said that he`ll give me a call today `bout this and Mike and me also promised that we`ll talk on the phone tonight.

Hummmmm... X(
Damn!!

just a few vacation

I've not written any new articles these days as you see..
Of course it's because I've been spending a great time in my home town.
Now I'm still in my home but I'm gonna go back to Tokyo tomorrow evening.

There were a lot of happenings in a past few days,
For example I broke up wit Michael and I made friend wit new guys..
And I've been keeping in touch with Az.
I've already told him that I wrote a period in my love relationships.

I really don't know what's gonna happen in the future.
I'm sure I am afraid but I'll try to do my best and just to be honest to myself.

anyways, I'll write again soon.

clair de lune

Suddenly,
I felt something sad so I listened to Debussy's Clair de lune right now.
This song is almost perfect...it's undoubtedly one of the most beautiful songs in the world.

Tonight,
I did exchange some emails with the guys around me.
Marcus had mailed me sometimes since last night,
and I saw Dwayne in the station then we exchanged only a few words,
I also mailed to Az to decide some things,
then I called Michael in the end.

Now,
I understand again that I have to decide everything as soon as possible,
or every pieces of happiness will be broken by my own hands.
I think I'm scared to lose everything around me because these are so precious to me.
But I must give up to try to get everything...
now I know that I surely have to make so many sacrifices to get the most important one.

It's the very time to select that one.

Through,
hearing the sounds of piano's talking, I'm gonna choose my best way.
Maybe I need someone encourages me though...

Tonight,
The moon shined on the sky was brilliant red.
It was so beautiful but it seemed a little sad.

I wanna go to sleep in the sea of sounds from Clair de lune.

answer of fortune

Yesterday I went to Shimbashi again to elaborate the project to design a web-site.
We went KFC with my friend,Shino, and we spent about 5 hours in all.
Naturally we got tired, so we got out there around 3 o'clock and went to Hamamatsu-chou.

Before going there, I went to UFJ bank to withdraw my money.
It was filled with a lot of customers as usual.
At that time, I happened to meet a smell familiar to me.
I know it was Issey Miyake's perfume because Leon used to use it when I was his girlfriend.
I was really surprised but of course that someone wasn't him.
I felt relief and a little bit melancoly.

Then we arrived Hamamatsu-chou and looked for some nice cafes, but there wasn't any good places.
And we found a small shrine on the way so we stopped in at the shrine and prayed.
We also bought an "Omikuji", a Japanese fortune telling paper.
Shino's was Kichi( it means good luck ), and mine was Dai-kichi( it means very good luck )!!

It says following guidance:

Love affair) There weren't any good partners except your present lover
Proposal) You may be confused by too many proposals, so keep your mind in peace.
Desire) You can make whatever you want true. Don't be deluded by what the others say

In addition,

Whatever you do will be the seeds of luck, and you can dedicate to study and do your works.
You don't need to worry, it's great luck.

but it cautions me: not to be selfish, not to drink too much, and not to lean on your lover too much.

Oh... god knows everything! lolol

She and I continued planning about our assignment after that,
and we had some cups/glasses of tea and sweets.

After finished preparing, we went to the stn. to met up with our friend, Nikko, and some business men.
We had dinner & drunk together at their( our friend business men's ) favorite place.

It had been a long time to drink for me,
so I emtied a bottle of red wine only by myself...it tasted good!
Dishes was also delicious.

I went back home around 11, and surprisingly, I called Azkira instinctively...
I sometimes be bold when I got drunk .. ha ha
He didn't answer it but he gave reply sooner by e-mail.
I was so happy and almost forget about Mike, then I went to sleep peacefuly after that.

But,

In this afternoon, Mike called me.
He said he got so well so he came back to his job from today.
he also said that he will make a looot of time for me soon.
Plus, he said that he might be able to see me tonight.
He told me not to expect cuz it may be canceled again, so I tried not to do so,
but actually I was disappointed cuz he didn't contact me in the evening as usual.

Oh lord, please tell me,
which guy is my destiny partner??

I thought I could decide at no distant day, but now I really don't know if I can decide soon or not...

I really wanna know the answer of the fortune telling.